Like I’m not normally? Lol

5/29/2025

I have been on the freaking struggle bus lately. In March, I went down to Houston for PIR treatments, and I had to get a comprehensive blood panel done at a lab. No big deal, right? Well the results came back and my cholesterol and triglycerides were extremely high. Like I should be dead high, not sure how I’m still functioning high. Tri’s was 876, should be around 150, I think. That scared the shit out of me. I get down to Houston and talk to the NP about what could possibly be causing this, because I don’t eat badly; in general I’m fairly healthy. She said it could be the antidepressants I’ve been on and off since my stroke happened, “to keep me stable”. More on that later. Or a couple of other medications I’ve been on, but am no longer.

But at that point, in March, I was like “I’m not gonna die because of these antidepressants I don’t even need or want.” I was satisfied with my life, and my job. So I made the appointment with my psychiatrist to taper off of them, because I wasn’t experiencing the OCD symptoms that put me on them in the first place anymore. He recommended I take two weeks to taper off this medication that affects the entire body. It seemed fast to me and my mom, but I was so desperate to get off them, I was basically crawling out of my skin.

Obviously it takes wayyyy longer to get all the drugs out of a system that has been dependent on a mood stabilizer for almost 4 years. I think I’m reaching the end of its life, though. I do not feel stable in the least, but I don’t feel numb either. I have a few people, like my awesome parents, and a couple great friends who listen so well, to rely on who are helping me process the things I went through in the last four years and stamping down, telling myself I was fine, rather than processing how I actually felt. I was in pain, hurting people who weren’t really meant to be in my life. Because hurt people hurt people. I felt completely numb. But my heart was hurting and it made my nervous system respond to pattern recognition which made me respond in a way that hurt people. On top of all that, my brain injury makes me very reactive and impulsive. It sucks to turn around and feel remorse for what I did when I was hurting. I have apologized until I am blue in the face. At this point that is all I can do, and ask forgiveness from God.

I also confronted my most recent serious ex, whose birthday it is today.. for sending me photos of his new girlfriend, for no reason. I wanted to go no contact, but he wanted to stay in touch. I should not have let him have access to me like that because I am the one who got hurt in the end. But I think getting off my antidepressants gave me the clarity and courage I needed to end it with the man I was casually seeing, and also finally finally finally go no contact with the ex. I had to remove his family and friends though too, which broke my heart, because I do not wish any ill will towards them. It hurt really badly for a couple of weeks but I am through the worst of it (I hope).

I am trying really hard to learn how to accept and love this body, however disabled it is today, and might be tomorrow. While continuing to push myself, not out of self hatred. I’m hopefully going back to OT, after my trip to Houston next week. We’re thinking maybe once every couple of weeks, to get some guidance on how to proceed from here. My therapists in Cape told me that what I did beyond May 2024 was on me 100%. That being in therapy wouldn’t be beneficial to me anymore. Really, they couldn’t help me anymore; they weren’t experienced with someone as advanced as I am in recovery. And that’s fine, they did what they could for me, but I need someone now that has more insight, and more creative ideas. I was proud of being on my own for a long time, but it was really isolation in disguise. Not independence. I am open to accepting and asking for help now.

I’m trying to be better, because I don’t think I am comfortable dating anybody until I am comfortable in my skin. It just causes me too much trust issues to let somebody in again. I just don’t think I can do it. My therapist, who I see once a week now is trying to convince me that that notion is silly. But I don’t think it is.

This really has been me venting and updating you guys on what’s been going on in my life. Thank you for listening. I’ll come back when I have more to say. Hopefully, I’m closer to happy next time.☺