I have been chasing satisfaction with my life, and a feeling of control that always felt out of reach for as long as I can remember.

I have done this by putting tattoos that are meaningful to me all over my body, and I mean all over. I had 8, but I had 2.5 removed, so now I think have 5. I have also attempted to exert control by changing my hair color & length & style. The last big chop was almost 4 years ago for my brain surgeries and it wasn’t my choice. I remember after my first stroke I had a huuge mental breakdown/anxiety attack over losing all my hair to brain surgery, because at 19, pre brain injury, that was the biggest crisis I could imagine. But the hair grew back anyway, and it is beautiful hair.

I can also try to exert control by restricting my eating. I used to not eat a lot as a way to control my weight and physique. It is a process I have pretty much down to a science, I can eat whatever I want in limited quantities, I just get full pretty quickly. Lol this way I don’t need to go to the gym for physique reasons, but I should, I just don’t have the extra energy to do so lately now with my brain working so hard. I have literally been sleeping so much with my brain and zombie limb coming back to life.

This week it was so cold, I didn’t really leave my house much because I haaate the cold, it makes my entire body tense up. Previously, pre 2025, this would have made me feel very lonely. But my mom is traveling in Spain, Portugal, & Amsterdam with my dad’s stepmom for her 70th birthday, and my sister is at school, so my dad and I just kind of hung out all week. I made plans with some friends for the upcoming week.

Happiness is not a destination for you to “get to” Happiness is something that you build within your life, WITHIN the conditions you’re dealt. Not “when my hair is past my shoulders” or “when my hand works again” Like I previously thought. Because the hair is going to grow anyway, the flowers are going to grow anyway, and the rain and snow are going to fall regardless of if you’re at your happiness destination yet or not. It’s on you to build and curate a life you love. MK ☺